The Things We Can Change

Feeling a little bit like a diva this week, I started to get full of myself and made a mental list of things I'd demand if I really were important.


1. At Starbucks, I'd demand that the sugar dispenser actually poured more than five grams at once. I love sugar in my coffee ... but the sugar dispensers are ALWAYS clogged. The other day I decided to be proactive and just unscrewed the top...Classic Allison moment coming ... as I was lightly pouring the sugar, a block of it, about the size of a golf ball, fell into the dark abyss.


2. Someone else would pick up my dogs' shit. I love them, but it gags me. I also love Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs), and was thrilled to see a special on TV this morning with him ... but it was the Crap Special. I gagged and turned it off. The sight of that georgous man with his hand up a cow's ass with so emasculating. I couldn't watch.


3. The dogs wouldn't track in cut grass. Or eat it. The former causes me to sweep two-three times a day. The latter causes them to puke. I hate cleaning. Wet or dry.


4. There would be a television station that showed Seinfeld, 30 Rock, The Office, Family Guy and the Simpons non-stop. And it'd be great if Mike Rowe was on this station too - just without his hand up bovine ass.


5. Traditional work-place dress codes would be relaxed. I'm not saying tube tops and Daisy Duke's for all. But my calves can only handle two-three days of high heels.


6. Shit would just get done. I don't mean the bodily function kind. But just the nagging crap we all have to do ... sort mail, pay bills, pleasing others. I mean this day-to-day adult life stuff is seriously cutting into my leisure time.


7. Match.com would stop sending me matches who look like this:



Really? Up the nose shot? Anyone else concerned with the smallness of his nostrils?



8. Every weekend would be three days.

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