Dear Allison

Dear Allison,

Your ass is wearing on me. It has carved a spot in my left side. No longer are my cushions plump and inviting. I'm lopsided! Lopsided, Damn IT! I wish you would get off me for a few days. I tired of you sitting here. It's been days now - days. I understand something is wrong with you. I've heard you on the phone today - talking with people, in a raspy voice, which by the way is quite becoming. But no more. Today's the last day. GET OFF ME.

Signed, The Couch

Dear Mah,
Do you think we can have one of the babies on TV? The ones that make you cry because they have no mommies since the earth shook? I think we'd be a good family for a little baby. I could learn French. Jake Ryan will share his cow. We'd have to work on your cooking. But make some calls.
Thanks, Poncho

Dear Patient,
I'm glad you've taken three of me. But let's take a shower. That whole image your projecting right now isn't so pretty. I think there's more grease in your hair than in your car. And we won't even address the smell.
Sincerely, Antibiotics

Dear User,
Just because my instructions say to use boiled water that doesn't mean you can use it immediately. You need to wait until the water cools down before you pour it into your nose. You see, you now have a slew of blisters up in there because you're "Being a dumbshit isn't easy" life style comes with consequences.
Hoping you get well soon,

Dear Applicant,
It's time to turn off the wii and finish your essay questions.
The White House.


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