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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dear Allison

Dear Allison,

Your ass is wearing on me. It has carved a spot in my left side. No longer are my cushions plump and inviting. I'm lopsided! Lopsided, Damn IT! I wish you would get off me for a few days. I tired of you sitting here. It's been days now - days. I understand something is wrong with you. I've heard you on the phone today - talking with people, in a raspy voice, which by the way is quite becoming. But no more. Today's the last day. GET OFF ME.

Signed, The Couch

Dear Mah,
Do you think we can have one of the babies on TV? The ones that make you cry because they have no mommies since the earth shook? I think we'd be a good family for a little baby. I could learn French. Jake Ryan will share his cow. We'd have to work on your cooking. But make some calls.
Thanks, Poncho

Dear Patient,
I'm glad you've taken three of me. But let's take a shower. That whole image your projecting right now isn't so pretty. I think there's more grease in your hair than in your car. And we won't even address the smell.
Sincerely, Antibiotics

Dear User,
Just because my instructions say to use boiled water that doesn't mean you can use it immediately. You need to wait until the water cools down before you pour it into your nose. You see, you now have a slew of blisters up in there because you're "Being a dumbshit isn't easy" life style comes with consequences.
Hoping you get well soon,
Neti-Pott

Dear Applicant,
It's time to turn off the wii and finish your essay questions.
Thanks,
The White House.

My Life with Dogs

I am on day five of home-boundedness. I am incredibly bored - but overly thankful for the company of my dogs.

This is a little bit of information on me and my life with my dogs, Jake Ryan (wacky ear) and Poncho Charles (little bit).

Fear No Evil, Just Mario Brothers
I am very lucky. My dogs are easy going, adaptable, loving, and chill. They either learned this from me or were created this way. They fear no one - happily greeting everyone who comes to the door - to the point where it's embarrassing!

The other night I'm playing Super Mario Bros and there is a barking bomb on a chain. This sends Poncho into a tizzy. His 12-pound body pops up from a dead sleep and he surveys the room. Finding nothing, he runs outside and howls and barks. This causes Jake Ryan to look at me and say, "Mom, he's an idiot." I always ask Jake Ryan to go get Poncho, but he's far too busy being stubborn to cooperate. I suck so bad at SMB that it takes forever to get past this "world." Eventually the game offers Luigi's help.

During their lives, I have gotten them various toys just to scare them and see how they'd react. One such toy is a cat that looks just like them; it cackles and spins. It is usually "on" but is motion activated. Just to be a bitch, I'll randomly turn it off - after it's been on and they've mastered how to activate the cackle. Pavlov would be disappointed. This morning, I'm waking up and the cat cackles, from the kitchen. I go get the cat and turn it off, which due to the switch location is like preparing to give it a pap smear. This is why I leave it on most the time. I'm a 36-year-old single DOG LADY. Sticking my finger up a toy cat is a bit unsettling.


I wish my dogs had oppose-able thumbs - so they could get me a box of tissues. I'm tired of blowing my nose into my sleeve. I would teach them to clean - and make them aprons so they wouldn't get dirty when cleaning. Although they hate their snuggies, so I can't image they'd be too keen on the aprons. But, it's worth a shot.


Poncho actually talks. This is going to sound odd to most people. But what's even better is that I respond. Yes, we have conversations. He, although he's a German dog, has a Mexican accent. Jake Ryan speaks like Barry White. Both think my ass looks great every time I ask. And they hate my obsession with ghost shows. I have started feeding them a mixture of wet and dry food - and this produces foul gas. Gag producing gas. But I continually put their happiness on my priority list. On - not atop - just on.

So as I'm planning my life and the next step, I keep wondering how they'll react to the potential move. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be cheap. Some places want and extra $100/month for the privilege of having them with me. And I think, "Aww, if you got to know them, you'd pay me for having them. After all, they'll keep you safe from bombs on chains that bark like dogs." Parks and back yards aren't as plentiful either. But these concerns are a long way away. Round 1 isn't even done yet. And no, I won't elaborate. If you know you know - if you don't, you don't. I made it that way.

But I do imagine that day - packing them in the car and pulling out of town. How will I explain the change to them? How will they manage? I think heavily on these things. But then there are moments like right now, when they're snuggled up next to each other, barely touching, but joined at the cheek.

I ask Poncho how he feels about the move. "Mah, we'll be fine. We're a family. I only need you and Jake." I sigh. I mean, he is right. And while I may be leaving my people family for a brief time, my life's loves will be beside me through it. I made it that way.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Lethargy

It's closing in on early afternoon and I'm home from lunch and tucked into bed for the time being. I have a sore throat and general aches. It's in the 60s outside and I feel like I should take the dogs on a walk. This is their kind of weather. Instead I'm just gonna sit here in my own misery and feel guilty as I look at them snuggled up at the end of my bed.

Had to believe it's been five weeks since I wrote on here. Life has been just that busy and I've just been that bored.

Christmas was great - as was New Years. Spent it with the ones I love without much fanfare.

So let's talk.

Texting and Driving
The state just MAY outlaw texting and driving. I think that's great. Unless you're at a red light. I do not have the attention span to sit still at a red light. I can do email, google, etc. while waiting for the light to change. Some people see ADD as a challenge, I see it as a wonderful way to multitask.
I do think we need to outlaw drivers whose eyes are three or fewer inches higher than the steering wheel. They are much more than a hazard!

Psychic Abilities
I have none. But I am obsessed with Paranormal State and The Ghost Hunters. A lady died in my house (not by my hands!). I once thought her spirit was still here. After a few instances of swaying towels and chandeliers, I simply said, "Judy, thank you for being here to watch over me..." Since then I've not heard a thing. Although long before that, she went with me to Ashley's house - I know this because odd things stopped at my house, but started at hers. I went back to pick up Judy a few days later. Now when I travel I wonder if she comes with me - should I pack her a bag? It's all so odd because I don't think she can see/hear, etc. I just think she's a blob of energy. But these shows show that the blobs can respond to their questions. The minute Judy answers my questions is the minute I put the house on the market.

Speaking of moving ....

Letting the cat out of the bag:
I am applying for a job in Washington D.C. Not just any job either, but to be part of the White House Fellows program. While I absolutely love my life here in HSV, I know there's something more for me to do. It's a five-step process and we're in the "turn in your application/get reference letters" phase right now. I am truly a long LONG LOOOONNNNNGGGG shot. But I figure why not, right? It's a year-long program. Connect on steroids. I know how much I loved my Connect experience, so I know I'll love this even more and be able to give back at a greater level. Oh and moving to DC for a year, not such a bad part of the deal either.

The dogs are ready for a change as well. I'll know by April if I make it to the second round - cross fingers, send prayers, whatever it is that makes your wishes come true, please do this (in remembrance of me).

Wow - this isn't funny at all ... oh well, I'm medicated on antibiotics and need to go back to work. I feel like I've been living/working on my ass for a month now. Between the holidays and snow days, I've been at home more than anywhere else - even work. I am tired of the laptop. Tired of the couch and tired of being bored and sick. The dogs are even bored with me right now. I have come up with a new use for the ironing board - as an end table. Yep, officially pathetic. I have seen all of Glee (God love hulu.com), sewn gift bags, mastered wii tennis. Oh and worked about 50 hours on that aforementioned application.

Now I think it's time for a nap.