Friday, February 12, 2010

Rat Shit

If I were to summarize 2010 in two words, it'd be Rat Shit. Mostly because on Tuesday night I cleaned up a bunch of it from behind the fridge. Poncho is still investigating the back of the fridge, so I pulled it out again - to find more rat shit.

I really do thrive on my independence - that boost of self-esteem you get when you take care of things like installing new locks, driving across the country, running a long distance. But then there are moments like this - when rat shit appears behind the fridge. I would really like someone to come clean it. I want someone to come find the shit producer and dispose of it. I want someone to just take care of it so I don't have to. Because for once, I really don't want to. i want the dogs to kill it and take it outside. I want life to go back to how it was before all this rat shit appeared.

The rat shit that is the tornado. The rat shit that is the break-in. The rat shit that is four people dead after two shootings in one week.

But like in times past, I'll roll up my sleeves and clean up the rat shit. But for once, just once, I wish I didn't have to do it alone! :(

Friday, February 5, 2010

Southern Voice

Have you heard the Tim McGraw song Southern Voice? I love it!I can honestly say that I understand 100% of it, meaning I have fully acclimated to living in Alabama.

In honor of all those who've taught me what it means to be from Alabama, here are some great tips passed along to me today by one of my favorite Alabama girls - Gena, who was named after her momma's mom, grows awesome veggies, gathers her own eggs, and works for NASA turning pee into water for the ISS. SHE ROCKS!

My comments are in GREEN

Upon arriving in Ala-bam-uh, you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...Bum-in-ham; Hunts-vul; Mo-beeel, Mohnt-gummree

Driving Information:

Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest muffler goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. <-I kind of disagree with this - it's usually ladies first. Honestly - if there are two people that pull up at once, a man and a woman, the woman goes first. Seriously. If it's two women, the older one goes first. If it's two men - I am clueless.

Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime. <-I still yell at them.
To find anything in Bum-in-ham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two "cloverleaf interchanges" in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again... Atlanta -- making them a wee bit dumber than we are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday evening. <- and rush hour traffic means 50% of the road is filled with cars. My Nanny always says, 'Look at all these people - where are they going?' Do not take her on Airport Road at anytime unless it's between 10 - 11 a.m. or 2:15 - 3:00 p.m.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike. <- Yellow means GO FASTER

You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else. <- This is a great time to get your grocery shopping done. But do wait until after kick-off! I promise, it's the best time to feel like Queen of the Stores!

Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting.

If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was 'accidentally activated'. <- Disagree! Drivers are good with their directional signals!
The minimum acceptable speed on 565 (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

65 is Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR.....

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is using a cell phone, applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic.!

If she is coming from north of Bum-in-ham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Bum-in- ham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

If it's 98 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. <- or was last
If it's 15-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Bum-in-ham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with due caution. The rest of the state will be at the grocery store stocking up on bread and milk.

Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55, it is Fall.

If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. <- If you are anywhere else in the world besides Alabama, you should do your state right by screaming and hollering and singing a long.
If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'. <- I still say pop - just to hold onto my Northern Roots!
All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DGeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" <- and God love people who will feed you when you say, "no."!!!
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. <- this is the one word usage I can't stand!!!! That and "I carried her to the store..." Meaning you took someone to the store. I have visions of people crossing the Parkway with another person on their back

You measure distance in minutes. <- you're right, my aunt lives about 15-20 minutes away from me. And work is just seven minutes

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal (or are in praise of one of the above).

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave the doors unlocked. <-not me, not any more - I have jimmy rigged chains with locks on my doors!
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday. <- and so is the national championship game if your team is playing.
100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time. <- Not mine!!!!
Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Oh Happy Day

Gifts from God:
It's been a whirlwind of emotions in the Gregg household. First the bacterial+viral infection. Second the tornado. Third the attempted break-in. But today God gave me a gift a wonderful gift and I'm so excited I could pee in my panties.

Where I live I have the minority political opinion. I love our President. I know that I'm the minority, but that's okay. Just respect my beliefs. Don't insult, put down or belittle me because we disagree.

Well, there are people who make snide remarks all the time. I just brush them off. However today, I stumbled upon some ramblings of one such person. And ya'll! A light from the above broke through the clouds as angels sang glorious songs.

In the ramblings, the writer misused your/you're and who/whom. I giggled with delight. My heart raced as I read more! I belly-ached at their misuse of the English language.

"Oh God, thank you," I cried! "This makes up for the three disasters previously mentioned. Thank you GOD!!!"

You can continue to make your remarks, but this is a treasure I will take to the grave. You, who insult and belittle my chosen beliefs, can't even get basic grammar correct. With beliefs, right or wrong don't exist. With grammar, right and wrong dictate. Excuses for such elementary mistakes are unacceptable.

I really want to copy/paste it all right here for you to see. However, I was raised better. Just remember, regardless of WHO you support, you are the one on WHOM your actions reflect.

Or is it you're actions?....buuhhhhaha hhhhaaaaa haaa!