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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

History of Huntsville

My aunt forwarded this to me - sounds like one of those stories written by a kid ... think all you Connectors (esp. Sarah Lauren Kattos) will get a good laugh:

A Brief History of Huntsville
By Matthew Pierce

Huntsville was founded a long time ago by someone who is now dead. In the beginning, the city was called
Twickenham. This was before Bridge Street, so it was not a good time to be a resident. Later on the town
was renamed Huntsville, because, come on, Twickenham. The name “Huntsville” was taken from an
Indian word that roughly translates to, “We’re getting out of here, there’s a tornado coming.”

Huntsville was an important part of the Civil War. Confederate forces willingly surrendered the town to the
Yankees, who did not know about the tornadoes. The rebels thought this was very funny. Several Yankees were
sucked up and landed on Monte Sano, where they remain to this day. They are called Presbyterians.

The first mayor of Huntsville was Wernher Von Braun, who was a scientist who invented the vacuum cleaner. Von
Braun came to Huntsville and started inventing rockets, presumably to blow up the tornadoes. He never did figure
out how to do this, so he gave up and invented Space Camp. He was very good at inventing things.

Starting in the 1960s, Huntsville was subjected to another invasion. Only this time it wasn’t Yankees who were
invading, but engineers. These engineers were mostly short men, and all of them drove very fast cars. No one
really understood what they did for a living, but they all had lots of money. The engineers are still here today,
because engineers never really die—they just keep inventing ways to stay alive.

In the 1980s Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco formed a minor league baseball team called the Huntsville Stars.
The Stars played at Joe Davis stadium, where they excelled at making it all the way to the Southern League
Championship and then losing. Back then McGwire and Canseco were not using steroids, probably because
they were too busy eating the ice cream at the concession stand that comes in the little plastic helmets, which is
excellent.

The most famous person in Huntsville is Dan Satterfield, who is a television meteorologist and loud person. He
is the arch nemesis of the tornado. Whenever it begins to rain in, say, western Kansas, Satterfield immediately
interrupts television programming to broadcast warnings for the next seven hours straight. Many tornadoes have
gone away sad because Dan Satterfield ruined their sneak attacks.

Today Huntsville has a bright future, and not just because it has more restaurants than people. It is a modern city
on the cusp of research and technology. It is a crossroads, where the spirit of the Old South meets the expression
of the arts. It is a bustling, thriving community where diversity and tradition mingle.

Basically, it is a city that prides itself on not being Birmingham.