Eleven months ago, I made the decision to move from my family, my home, my friends, my life, and everything that was safe and dear and close. Today I want it all back. Today, for the first time in many months, I want to go home. I miss my friends with an aching I can't describe. I miss their laughter, their kids. I miss how I never had to try. I miss their homes, as they were always open to me. I miss my sweet neighbor Mr. Vickers and how he always took care of me. I miss my garage and my kitchen and my bedroom with my mural that I painted. I miss the hardwood floors and the old tube television. I miss my music, my dining room, my yard. I miss my aunt's Sunday night dinners. I am missing my Nanny's final days.
I miss everything with a pain I can't swallow. I missed all of this at the beginning. But I adapted. I adjusted. I lifted myself out of that pain and pushed forward. Now I can't see through the tears.
I want little Sam to curl up next to me and play games. I want to drink silly vodka drinks and laugh with his mom. I want to be with that one person who is my safe place. I want to listen to Hollie bitch about Starbucks coffee, talk about her wedding plans, and to be there when she ties the knot. I want to laugh with Amy and be creatively inspired by Jules. I want to sit with Alison, knowing she is my trusted confidant. I want a grilled salmon dinner with a kick-ass salad and homemade dressing.
But they're all so far away. And I am here. And I made this decision. And tonight I miss everything so terribly much. I woke up in a sad mood. Whether it was the weather or the hormones, today was a rough one. Capping it all off, someone at the gym asked me "Why do you sweat so much?" Before the comment sank in, we were into downward dogs and crossovers. Nonetheless, the tears started. "Because it's just the way my body is," I thought to myself. "Oh and it's 900 fucking degrees in here. And we're working our asses off, fucking fuck." I kept my cool, making it to the car before the sobbing started.
Long before I made the decision to leave Huntsville, I knew it was time. The months before the move were the darkest of my life. Something had to change. Did it ever. Leaving behind everything for a year sounded easy. One year. At the beach. Come home. That one year mark is approaching and there is no end in sight. It hurts. The loneliness absolutely hurts. It oozes freely out of my pores. And like my sweat, it is mopped up quickly, in hopes no one sees it. But tonight there is no holding it back.
I miss everything. I miss it all so much. I want that to be known. I know I can't take back this decision. I'm here now. I'm in this. When the tears with stop, I'll take some deep breaths and push forward. Much work is to be done and to that I remain committed. I will be stoic and proud. But, I'll still miss you.