And so, I ran

I had a coaching session today. After the session, the client/classmate was checking her texts only to find out her daughter's classmate took his life. At the age of 17.

We sat in silence. Because what else can you do? No words can fill the space that news creates. Tears. Tissue. Silence. Emptiness.

I was not a good coach during that session. My insecurities took over, creating an uncomfortable session. We both knew it and declared it.

The clock read 3:00 when I arrived at home. I started my backwards counting:  dinner at 6:30, leave at 6:10, start getting ready at 5:30. That left 2.5 hours. The weather was beautiful.

"What do you want to do with this time?"

"I want to run."

And so, I ran. I ran for 30 minutes. It was the first time I'd run since spring, when the days were longer and warmer.

I thought about the untimely deaths that have happened this week. I thought about young people who have taken their lives. I thought how lucky I am to run. I tried to remember why I ever quit. I didn't count time. I just ran. I prayed for those we lost this week. I prayed for our nation as we hit the final stretch of this election cycle. I pray that we'll be able to move forward together.

With my music set on shuffle, I was delighted as every new song started.  Then came "I Lived" by OneRepublic.  It brought me to my knees. It's every word I want said to me and I want to say.

Over the last three years, I've come to see how incredibly precious life is. Perhaps it was leaving the beach, turning 40, or too many heartbreaks. As I ran with those words pumping through me, I wanted so desperately to declare that I lived my life to the fullest. I haven't. I've done a lot, but I haven't done it all.

At some point in my life I decided I didn't deserve all my heart desired. I became scared to fully go after it, scared to be honest with myself. The further I get into my coaching training, the more I see I'm not alone in this.

A wise man once told me I was going to change the world. I've decided it's time to prove him right. If I apply the counting time mentality to my life, it'd go something like this:  I'm 42. I plan to live until I'm in my 90s. That means I've got 48 years. I've got to write a book, that will take a few years. I want to become a certified coach. That will take a few more years, or I could do it at the same time. I want to get married and share my life with someone. I want to own my own business. I want to live at the beach again. I have 48 years.

"What do you want to do with this time?"

"I want to live."

And so, I live.

I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places 
Things that I did 
With every broken bone, I swear I lived


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