Thursday, October 27, 2016

Not Permanence. But Flux.

                The nature of life is not permanence, but flux.
                The butler on Downton Abby said these words.  I watch TV like most Americans do – it’s on, I’m on the couch, but my attention is split between the program and whatever I’m scrolling through on my iPhone.  It was by chance that I caught these words.  Or was it?  I don’t think chance had anything to do with it.  Many things have happened in this month that have strengthened my faith in the unseen.
                The nature of life is not permanence, but flux.
Let’s go.
                Earlier this month, I was back in Huntsville chatting with a friend about life and my three careers:  social media, coaching, and public relations.  Her wise words:  You need to talk to Paul.  He’d just been re-elected (after a term away) as Mayor, but also owns a consulting/marketing firm.  She was right.  I filed that tidbit of to-do away.  Fast forward 360 miles and a few days – I’m in Gulf Shores, meeting a friend and his new wife for dinner.  I’m seated and early.  I glance to my right – and what do my wandering eyes see?  Paul.  Yes – the same Paul.  We were both stunned and said our hellos, agreeing to meet for a meal the next day.  This chance was not a chance encounter.  You see, Paul was having dinner (follow along closely) with my friends’ wife’s parents.  Of all the gin joints in all the world.  Oh and Paul:  his ex-wife is married to my cousin’s father-in-law.  Welcome to Alabama.
                During my time in Alabama – on each side of the state, I found myself peaceful.  Perhaps it was because I was on vacation.  Or that I was seeing friends I hadn’t seen in years.  More than anything, I think it is because my home is in Alabama.  I left there two years ago, on my way to a life that didn’t turn out as intended.  “Thank God you got out of that situation.  Dodged a bullet there…”  Yes, I know.   And since I know, I’ve made a go at it here in Seattle.  Seattle.  It’s a harder life – much harder than I anticipated, more crowded than I remember, more expensive than I fathomed.  I made a choice to come here.  But what does staying say about me?  That’s what I’m exploring now.
                I’m not saying I’m putting the condo on the market tomorrow and running back home to my life as it was.  I’m saying I’m exploring it.  Exploring what I want my future to be – where I want my future to be.  I’ve wasted many years denying myself happiness.  At some point these last few months, I’ve realized I actually deserve to 1. Stop being so hard on myself and 2. To be happy.   What does that look like?
                It looks like being more gentle with myself – no more bashing my weight, choices and broadcasting failures.  Stop medicating with the booze and food.  It looks like closing my eyes and fully envisioning what brings me happiness.  And then deciding to go for it.  And I mean seriously fucking go for it.  And it means it’s not going to be easy.  And it means giving up a ho-hum life to take a chance at something else – something I once had, but didn’t realize how amazing it was.  I had to go North to fully land in the South.  Not that I’m landing there tomorrow.
                The nature of life is not permanence, but flux.
                Here’s to the flux.  Here’s learning to be patient with a purpose.  Here’s to the journey!